


Tear

by Aquamarine_turqouseWolf



Series: Pridecember 2017 [7]
Category: Yu-Gi-Oh!
Genre: Character Study, M/M, Mentions of Character Death, implied prideshipping, inner battle, kind of, ygopridecember
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-02-28 10:21:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13269435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aquamarine_turqouseWolf/pseuds/Aquamarine_turqouseWolf
Summary: Pridecember fill day 12Now, sitting in his bewd jet, high in the air, it was as if his whole life was rewinding itself in his mind, like a program set to search itself for glitches and viruses; and he was processing it all with strange detachment. He knew he 9had a life altering choice to make before he locked himself away in his office to let the realty set in and privately deal with the damage.





	Tear

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this is kind of a character-study-turned fic cuz it kind of fit the prompt… I was thinking about difference between Kaiba in anime and dsod, he’s just much more in tune with himself and his emotions, no longer controlled by his anger, the fear of not being the one in control of his life or the need to prove himself… I mean he's still his dramatic stubborn self, of course, just much more open minded and kind of at peace (the last scene at least); and he didn't even care whether he won or lost against Yugi. We've seen parts of what he'd turned himself into in order to defeat Gozaburo and take over the company slowly melt away throughout the anime, but what of that ‘final shift’ when he came to terms with magic and all, and started being led by faith rather than logic and power? It had to have happened after the memory world and witnessing the ceremonial duel, right?

 

Seto Kaiba felt numb. Yet there was so much bubbling under the surface, just waiting for the right moment to burst. He felt like a walking timed bombe since the moment he saw that door closing behind... him.

  
Now, sitting in his bewd jet, high in the air, it was as if his whole life was rewinding itself in his mind, like a program set to search itself for glitches and viruses; and he was processing it all with strange detachment. He knew he had a life altering choice to make before he locked himself away in his office to let the realty set in and privately deal with the damage.

  
The seal on one door he had tried so hard to keep shut had finally broken. That the lock that'd been triggered and slowly weakening, letting small fragments out, since that duel had come completely undone. He could find a way to seal it again, but he would completely loose and destroy himself in the process; jump straight to the final stop of the road he had been walking before he came into his life and forced him back on the right path. Just a short while ago the answer would be obvious, but now… He finally found the courage to admit to himself that, for all his bravado, he had been a coward. That he had been running from his past and himself for so long. He had been so terrified at the thought of something other than himself controlling his life, of something coming to snatch it all away like it had his parents, of feeling so small and powerless ever again, to realize how much his own fear had been limiting him and controlling him. It had been so much easier to keep pretending then face the truth, inside a scared and hurt little boy was screaming for help, still fighting no matter how hard he had tried to kill him, if only to stop reminding him how much he hated what he had become. He was surprised to find that he no longer wanted to. The choice to stop running and making up excuses (and just when had ‘I'm doing this for Mokuba’ become a lie to tell himself? The boy deserved so much better from him) was a surprisingly easy one, and even more surprising was the ease with which the admission that it really was what he'd been doing came to him. It seemed he had changed a lot more than he'd thought. Or was it that he was simply remembering, changing back into himself?

  
Somehow it clicked, he had been maniacally rushing forward because he had been to scared to look back. He hadn't been the one truly in control his life after all, and it wasn’t the occult stuff he had to fear . That was probably the reason he had been so set against it in the first place. He had accepted the burden of all his actions, but in doing so turned his back to one person who had needed him the most (save for his brother, but then again he hadn't exactly been fair to him either) – himself. Despite what many thought, he'd never enjoyed cheating people and causing them pain, yet done it all he had. He had never felt right, but winning against Gozaburo and proving himself had been a matter if survival, for both him and Mokuba. He had no other choice at the time, not one he had been able to see at the time, given his young age and limited experience. So he'd had to lock his heart away, sacrifice himself, and do things the way they had taught him, that he had learned by observing them. Because showing weakness; sympathy, pain, guilt; meant loosing. He'd thought it would only be until he took Gozaburo down, but by then it had already been too late. _Brilliant, ambitious, ruthless, lacks empathy- all qualities of a great CEO_ \- had been the headline when he took over the KC, it had always sounded more like a description of a psychopath. He'd burned it and forced himself not to think back. Hate and anger, and directing his self-loathing and blame the world had become so much easier than facing himself, for he had become just as bad if not worse then him. And while he was more than confident in his intellect and abilities and aware of the power he held, for a long time he'd held no more liking or respect for himself than he had for his stepfather. Due to this, despite all he had accomplished, he had still felt so powerless and out of control, like he still wasn’t good enough, hence the power-hunger and the obsession with winning. Nothing had been enough, something had been missing. He knew deep down that if he stopped for long enough, had nothing to distract himself with, he'd have to face himself. Or was it that he'd felt he deserved none of it for how wrong gaining it felt; that he'd deserved it all to be away so he kept on trying to prove to himself that he deserved to keep it? Afraid that everything he had done would come back and be done to him? Thinking that isolating himself and being seen as powerful, hiding behind the illusion of power and control, would somehow keep him safe? The only thought he now had for it was pathetic, and that was one word he never thought he'd use to describe himself. He'd thought ‘forgetting’ the past would set him free, but it had only giving it control over his life. Thankfully Mokuba (who had always been so much stronger than himself, if nothing for his kind heart) and his passion for games had kept him even remotely there, pieces that could be salvaged and used to put him back together.  
It had been him who helped him take back his power when he had been controlled by his own darkness. The only person who heard his cry for help he hadn't even realized he had been making. Who answered the call, forcefully banishing the darkness and making space for the light to shine through. Who showed him that being cold and untouchable actually made him weak. Who showed him what true courage and strength meant, and that he too had it inside of him. Showed him the difference between a leader and a tyrant he had become. Reminded him that people were more then just stepping stones, more than things to be used to gain power, and that not all of them want to hurt you. Who proved that love and faith and bonds could actually make you stronger, that that's the light he'd been missing. The only person beside his brother who had ever showed him such faith, trust, kindness, understanding and regard for his feelings, but faced him with such confidence and called him out on his bullshit, telling him what he had to hear, but still let him come into it in his own and understand it in his own way. Never really pushing unless it was a matter if life and death, and even then he made it clear that, in the end, the choice was Seto’s own. And despite himself, Seto had always seemed to come through make the right one, for a change. No matter what he said, someone other than his brother actually seeing him for more than the show he put in for the world (and himself) and believing in him meant more than he could ever say. It was him, the Pharaoh, who had shown him how limited he'd been and that things could be done very differently than Seto was used to. The realization that the only way to truly move forward was to look back, face everything he had locked and make peace with it all and forgive himself for all he had done, or else it would continue to haunt him sounded suspiciously like his voice too. It said: “Your past may be a jumbled mess of junk. You may have done things you no longer agree with. Yet each of the pieces of your past are a part of who you are now. Look at your past. See how the past has impacted you. Piece together a future using your past.”

  
Many of his scars had already started to heal. Therefore, while past certainly couldn't be changed he had a choice to be true to himself once again and not let it brand him for life. He now knew what he'd been doing wrong and how to do it right. By doing so he'd finally win against the ghosts of his past, not by fighting, but by showing to himself how different and stronger than them he was.

  
After all he now had his own experience to go on and so much more knowledge than he'd had then. He now had not only much more accomplishments - the duel disks and the Kaiba land he'd always dreamed of to name a few – but also actions to be proud of. Yes; both he and the circumstances had changed so much in a short while. After all, he mussed, helping save the world several times had to count for something. He finally felt like he had made up for the wrong he'd done and could forgive himself for it. He felt he not only deserved but also wanted peace and happiness. It truly was time for a new chapter.

  
He had just witnessed and finally forced himself to accept some things that were beyond all logic and common sense. After everything he'd be a fool to keep denying it, that he had only been limiting himself by doing it. And the memories, that weren't even his own flashing in his mind, intervening with and settling amongst his like they belonged there, they felt like missing puzzle pieces instead of intrusion, at the same time adding fuel to the fire and giving him clarity he'd never had before. He finally knew what it meant to open his mind. He'd already done it apparently. Now it was time to finally let himself open his heart as well. It would hurt but he was suddenly no longer afraid, going back to how he was seemed much worse. He could feel something lurking around the corner, but the only way he'd be able to see it was only it he cut all the ties that bind him. It was a new challenge he was determined to face head on, at his absolute best.

  
Those thoughts are what had kept him occupied as he flew back to Japan, completely deaf to his brother's concerned questions. Though he knew there was so much more than all he had blocked coming to light, that part was safer to focus on – familiar. He was certainly impressed that he managed the feat without crashing, given his state. Though the calmness with which he presented this reasoning to himself was unnatural, a calm before the storm.

  
Thankfully, Mokuba made no fuss when he sent him home to sleep. But he would be back to check on him first thing in the morning, he had to get himself straight until then.

  
It was few minutes after he walked into his office and sat at his desk, when he mechanically turned on his computer only to have news of the tomb collapsing all but jumping up at him and reminding him just real it all was, that the dam finally broke.  
It started with shaking in his hands, then he realized that his head was pounding, after that he had no idea what happened. It was like a flood of pent up pain, guilt and self-loathing was physically trying to leave his body. He allowed himself the luxury he hadn't in years, he let himself break down completely-to cry and scream; to feel it all, setting that hurt child inside free, knowing that these were the tears that would wash the worst if it away, that he had acknowledged it all in away that would put it in a place if healing. He was certainly surprised at how naturally it came, those feelings he had been prepared for, having carried them for so long he was used their weight and intensity. They were the ones he had opted to focus on during his flight and release. It was what was left after that he wasn’t prepared for. The new feelings that had pushed the old ones to the surface with such an intensity that they'd been easy to ignore – hiding behind the old ones that were easier to make out due to their familiarity. And they all revolved around one person – the Pharaoh. There was quite a bit of anger, that was understandable , but the hurt and the renewed feeling of being abandoned of overwhelming loneliness, along with a mix of confusion and some other feelings, with something warm powerful and comforting and completely unfamiliar lurking at the center of it all beneath the surface that had been there for much longer than the past few hours – those were much more powerful. It had been so easy ignore them and show them under the carpet with all the rest, picking out only the ones he could fit into the mold of rivalry-turned-kinda- friendship. But now they were raw and fresh and heightened by his current emotional vulnerability. Seto couldn't just ignore them, nor did he want to. He'd made his decisions, and he was not the type to chicken out. Once he was in for a penny, he was in for a pound. He just couldn't understand why loosing the Pharaoh hurt so much, they weren't even truly friends, were they? There was the fact that the Pharaoh spared him no second glance before he left, even when he said goodbye to everyone else, but it wasn't just that. And why was there more hurt, when it should just be anger and wounded ego at the show od disrespect? And why in the world did he feel abandoned? It wasn’t he lost someone he truly cared for….. oh…. But he had hadn't he? The one person who believed in him and made him realize that he could change his path and become himself again. Suddenly it clicked How was it possible that he hadn't seen it before? That warm feeling he had whenever he thought of the Pharaoh was no longer so hard to identify. But then again, even if he had, doing anything about it couldn't have been an option. What with the former spirit being tied by the puzzle to the body of another human, as well as both of them having their own demons to fight and ties to break….

It seemed that, up until now, both of them had walked the road that would free them from the past. He now understood why Atem had to walk through that door and could no longer fault him for it; it had been the only way to set himself free. The feeling of being abandoned had left him, but that didn't make him any less pissed or hurt at the man for not saying goodbye. He refused to use the term broken-hearted. 

Even now as he was thinking of the Pharaoh, he felt that warm and happy something blossoming in his chest once again, stronger than hurt of anger, get even more powerful. Now that he had managed to identify the feeling and knew what it was though he still wouldn't think the actual words It should've been so easy to slip back into the mindset ruled by pain and anger, blame and bitterness, but that had barely crossed his mind. Instead he knew that in time he’d forgive him, after a good duel and an earful, of course. There was something much better and stronger to hold into now, and even those could be incorporated to help while they were there. If nothing they were a proof of how much he cared. Just knowing that he was still capable of such feelings, made something in him shift even further. He'd had a taste of something he’d thought he'd given up when he took upon himself the burdens of the Kaiba name, something he never even knew he wanted or could have. This filled him with determination not to let his chance at this kind of happiness slip by, no matter what. And there was only one person he could and wanted to have it with. Whatever curse might have taken upon himself with that name seemed to have broken with that realization. Logically he knew the man was dead, but he had a district feeling of this being just a beginning and choose to trust it. Logic was overrated, the thought made him smirk.

If only he could find a way to see him again, now that he knew what the Pharaoh really meant to him…  
With that, he fell asleep on his desk, completely drained, but feeling like enormous weight had been lifted if his shoulders. He had after all completely rewired himself with a single decision and in matter of hours. He knew that the war was far from won, that healing and changing (some of) his ways were a process that would take time, but he felt he had finally chosen the right path and let the the worst of it out by doing so; that in itself was an enormous battle and he had won. Tomorrow, some of the mask would have to be put back on, but at least this time he knew there was an actual person behind it. He was no longer just Kaiba, but it was a part of who he was, of who he had become. He would be sure to never forget again he owned not only himself, but also Mokuba and the Pharaoh that much.

 

… … … … …

 

  
That night, despite the uncomfortable position, he slept better than he had since he was a kid. He dreamt of overlooking the earth from what seemed to be a space station. And just before his brother burst into his office there was a ghost of a touch on his cheek and a whisper of. _“I know you can find me.”_

  
Moments later he was woken up by a concerned looking Mokuba, feeling lighter and more energized than ever and his days buzzing with ideas and what could only be coordinates of that station. That and the feeling of bring called within him were the only leads he had, and he would take them. He would duel him again. But first….

  
“Seto, are you okay? You didn't look so well last night and you fell asleep in the office again..”

First, he'd stop being selfish and start showing his brother the gratitude and respect he deserved. He cut his little brother off by walking up to him and giving him a hug and a whispering a soft “Thank you.”

  
“wh-?”

  
“Never mind that,” he said, stepping away after a moment giving his brother a small, but genuine smile. “You and I have business to discuss; and I have new ways to improve the duel disk system. And I want to build a space station. Come along, there's much to do!”

  
He was followed out of the office by a very confused but beaming Mokuba. Seeing that smile on his brothers face already made it all worth it.

  
“Yes, big bro!”

 

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr: https://ohmypharaoh.tumblr.com/
> 
> Thank you so much for reading please leave a comment and tell me what you think! ❤❤❤


End file.
